Modern chemistry has changed my life. It sculpted my path in ways I am not fully aware of, nor can I ever realize. That said, while medication played a profound role in my life, it is not the only meaning of that phrase.
Modern Chemistry is a song... and for me it captures every phase of my of my life up until now. In case you are unfamiliar, check out the song Modern Chemistry by Motion City Soundtrack. Actually, while you are at it, check out every song they ever made. If you suffer from anxiety or depression, or just like hearing from someone who does, you will like them.
When I went to the doctors they told me I have a chemical imbalance, and that, in particular, I suffer from a lack of serotonin. So they put me on medication, selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRI). Standard fare.
I barely have the motivation
They say I suffer from a lack of serotonin
synapses they happen to infrequently for me
to be functioning properly
Like any kid, I believed the adults. I took my pills, every day, religiously. As intended, the panic stopped. This alone had me hooked despite the fact that I was far from better. I knew it was not a perfect solution, but I did not care because I was able to function. At least now I could sit in a room and be normal...on the outside. On the inside it felt more like the eye of the storm.
In actuality, to say I felt much at all would be a lie. I was blanked. I did not get happy or sad or angry. I was apathetic. Later on, in an attempt to fix that I would start seeing a therapist.
I took the pills
I took the advice
the panic stopped
but still I'm not right
I decided that a life devoid of emotion was better than no life at all. However, just because the panic lifted did not mean I was free and clear. Instead, my mind raced around situations. "When will the panic come back". "What will I do if the drugs stop working". "Why cant I do this without medication". This cadence followed me throughout the day and into my sleep.
racing thoughts and wasted time
its the same old story line
this is my nursery rhyme
Eventually I took myself off the medication. Its funny how when the doctor prescribes you a drug, she fails to mention the side effects and withdrawal symptoms.
Brain zaps. That is a cute term for what I would describe as a momentary short circuiting of my brain, and also a symptom of SSRI withdrawal. Over time I just got used to it. I accepted a new normal. Eventually the panic came back, the anxiety, and the depression, but I wont go back to medication.
I am barely off the medication
and now the walls are closing in again
I can't breathe and I can't bleed
The pharmaceutical industry has something to sell, but this time I am not buying. Six of one or a half dozen of the other but at least now I know that the monsters I make are my own. Some days are perfect, and others are best forgotten. Either way, I still sing the chorus.
I believe in medication
and I believe in therapy
and I believe in Crystal Light
cause I believe in me, yeah
its so uplifting...fuck yeah